Phoenix's B-moive Review II

Phoenix Lord's B-moive Review II

Alien Apocalypse


It’s time for another Phoenix Lord’s B-movie Review.  Today’s cinematic masterpiece is ‘Alien Apocalypse’ starring none other than Bruce ‘don’t call me ‘Ash’’ Campbell.

First a few words about Bruce Campbell.  In the movie world there are good actors and then there are great actors.  Bruce Campbell is a *great* actor.  Since I know that I am often sarcastic, I’d like to state for the record that I am not being sarcastic.

I love Bruce Campbell and all his works (he has a book “If Chins Could Kill: confessions of a B-movie actor.  I’m not kidding.  READ IT!).

Here’s what makes Bruce so great: he can take any dialogue no matter how poorly written and deliver it with such grace and ease that he can fool you into believing that it’s brilliant.  

Example:  “Give me some sugar, Baby.”  

Now imagine, let’s say...oh I don’t know... Ewan McGregor attempting this line.  

You just winced in pain, didn’t you?  Go on admit it.  

I love Ewan, I do, but he had lots to learn from Bruce (for examples of this please see the sixth (or third depending on how you see it) Star Wars).  The dialogue in this movie was *awful* and even Ewan’s charming smile couldn’t save it.

Now, if you want to see this line wielded with True Power please run (don’t walk, or even skip) and get yourself a copy of Army of Darkness.  I’ll try to give you a feel for it.  Bruce (in this case playing the character ‘Ash’) grabs the one-dimensional heroine before she manages to storm away in anger.  He pulls her hair tie out so that her long hair suddenly blows in a previously unknown wind.  Forcefully drawing her close he growls:

“Give me some sugar, Baby.”

Now *that’s* acting.

The dialogue of Alien Apocalypse is even worse than that of the sixth (or third) Star Wars.  And yet Bruce strides through with a swagger rarely seen outside of the Pirate world.  Honestly the other actors and actresses (clearly pulled in off the street) struggle to deliver their lines in a half hearted matter (as if they are reading cue cards, which I suppose they could have been).

Does this slow down Bruce?  Not for a second.  He strides about like a Lion among tabby cats.

What is Alien Apocalypse about?  Well I’ll tell you (just try and stop me).

Four astronauts (of sorts) have just returned from 40 years of cryo sleep in space on a mission called The Probe Mission (I swear, that’s what it says on their fight suits).  The mission itself, and the reason they needed to sleep for 40 years, is never stated.  

Bruce plays Ivan...Dr. Ivan.  They know nothing of the gruesome fate of Earth, they don’t even know where they’ve landed (Oregon).  They are simply walking through a rock quarry.  

Ivan is thinking out loud about the supply and demand of doctors on Earth now (he is unconcerned that NASA did not respond to radio contact).  He is hoping that he has become a rare breed so that he can jack up his prices (really).  

“They will call me the Great Healer.”  He says smugly.

They crest the hill and find the digital ruins of the city of Portland.  Their *first* reaction:

“Wasn’t Portland in the middle of the forest?”

You see there are no trees in the immediate area...screw the fact that the city is destroyed, what the f&%k happened to the trees?!

*Commercial Break*

Did I mention that this was clearly made for TV?  I think it might even have the distinction of being a Sci-fi Channel Original.  Every so often the scene would go to black and then pick up again.

ANYWAY.

The four of them (one who has a leg injury of unknown origin) are quickly captured by rednecks on horse back.  When the injured one can’t keep up they shoot her (leaving us with one less character to worry about).

The three remaining astronauts are taken to a near by forest (I guess *all* the trees aren’t gone) where they find themselves in low tech cross between a Nazi Concentration Camp and a Lumbar Yard.  

You see the Aliens they are Giant Termites and they like to eat and export wood (but before it can be place in highly advanced Spaceships it must be cut manually by Human Slaves into boards and then loaded on to horse drawn carts).

Since our three ‘main’ characters are dressed funny they are taken to see the resident Termites.  One of their unfortunate team members learns that other than wood the Aliens next favourite meal is human heads (and fingers, but not any of the other bits).

Now only Ivan and his love interest Kelly (Renee O’Conner, Gabrielle of Xena) are left and they are put to work in the Saw Mill.  They work all day and at night are kept with the other in an underground pit.  But that’s okay, The Great Healer has a plan!

A wooden spoon.

Yes, it is his Grand Plan to tunnel their way out of the camp using wooden spoons.  He and Kelly (mostly Kelly) manage a five foot deep tunnel when they suddenly discover an easier plan.

I call this plan: ‘Let’s just leave’.

Arming himself with a drill bit...yes, I said a drill bit, yeah I know, that might beat my last B-movie hero Kent (Michael Shanks) and his can of bicycle tire repair spray for the title of Most Inappropriate Weapon.

Anyway, Ivan stabs one of the bugs with the drill bit and kills him.  This shocks *everyone*, apparently no one thought they could be killed (turns out it’s pretty easy to kill one).

Ivan, Kelly, and Alex (a young Slave) beat up the rest of the guards and then Ivan starts screaming “Freedom!  Freedom!”

He needs to work on his rallying skills.  The other Slaves simply look at him and go back to work.  So he, Kelly, and Alex leave.  Reorganizing the rednecks that work for the Aliens get on their horses and take chase.

Our heroes decided to separate.  Kelly goes one way and Ivan and Alex bravely go another (together...kind of defeating the purpose of splitting up, but whatever).  Kelly is captured (by a shock bomb on the end of an arrow), and Ivan and Alex escape by jumping off a thirty foot cliff into a lake (that later somehow becomes a river).  Actually they kind of just fall off.

“Well they’re dead, that’s for sure.”  Says their hunter after looking over the cliff.

Climbing out of the river they met the only woman in the future that still understands hygiene.  She is an Amazon-esk bit of eye candy named ‘Busy’.  She has little in the way of spoken lines, which is just as well.  She is clearly a Canadian model and not an actress.

She leads them to Freedom Valley (a nice place as far as wretched shanty towns go).   Everyone in Freedom Valley believes that the President of the United States is alive and building an army.  But no one is willing to go find him, or join this army.  They just shout in a semi passionate fashion:

“The President lives!”

The rumor started 20 years ago.  So Ivan goes to find the President who is said to be living in the Cascade Mountains (so he should be easy to find).  Bruce, Alex, and Busy go to find the President.  

Along the way they add to their own army with some freed Slaves and one ex-Slave Driver (although he only half heartedly joins them).  They stumble across a crazy bent over man who is apparently wearing bath mats.  

It’s about this time that you learn that ‘The Great Healer’ is actually a Chiropractor.  He fixes this guy with one adjustment.

Feeling better this man agrees to take them to the President.  Who we quickly learn is hiding in an abandoned Ski Resort with the rest of Congress (so not much has changed).  The President knows nothing about this rumor of starting an army and has no interested.

Not to be deterred Bruce says he’ll lead the army himself.

Let’s jump ahead to the Grand Fight Scene.

Okay, so these Aliens have come to Earth and destroyed all of our cites and enslaved the Human Race.  Which means at some point in time they must have defeated the US Army, Navy, *and* Air Force.  

That’s because none of these great institutions use handmade bows and arrows...  amateurs.

Yes, the highly advanced Alien’s hard exoskeleton is easily pierced by a poorly crafted arrow.  What’s better is that they just stand their with blank looks on their faces while you mow them down.  

The Aliens have some sort of Force Wave weapon, but all it does is kick up dirt and throw piles of wood around.  

Oh yeah, somewhere along the line Ivan also got a hold of a Civil War era sword.  This is also a *highly* effective weapon.  Even better than the drill bit.  

When some more Aliens show up with their *one* tank and the tide of the ‘war’ seems like it may turn, the President and Congress show up with their bows and arrows and help save the day.

So *remember* the next time you vote be sure that the candidate is a good shot, the fate of the world may depend on it.

Having won the battle at this Saw Mill, Ivan and the other move on (or at least that’s what the voice over tells us).  Ivan wins more and more battles and is eventually labeled:

The Great Exterminator.

You know...like the Orkin Man.




Greatest lines in this moive:

“I miss TV.”  Ivan laments as he drinks potato vodka while sitting at a campfire.
“What’s TV?”  Alex asks innocently.
“None of your business!”  Ivan slurs.

********

“Hey, scumbag!”  Ivan calls to a traitor that is leaving to tell the Aliens where they are.  “You forgot something.”
The guy turns around and Ivan fires an arrow into his chest.  “I thought you were supposed to heal people!”  He gasps as if surprised by this turn in events.
“I do. Your stupidity is terminal...now you’re cured.”

********

For a B-movie I give it an A+.  A fun ride all the way.  Bruce Campbell in a ‘Behind the Scenes’ had this to say about it:

“Special Effects bore the s**t out of me.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.